MUGA

The MUGA scan is designed to measure many factors important to your overall health. It measures the length of your colon and your involuntary urinary output as well as the force with which your heart can pump when you are under a great deal of stress. This test is much more accurate than most heart tests, primarily because the apparatus is, shall we say, invasive. The fact that health care personnel enjoy giving this test to patients contributes to its high success rate as well.

Preparing For The Test

For the MUGA test, you must follow the standard protocol of starving the night before, and the morning of, the test. I don't really believe ths is necessary but it does enhance the air of mystery surrounding all medical testing procedures. The MUGA is actually called a procedure but trust me, it's a test. If you pass, you get to leave the hospital,....., eventually.
     You will be required to wear a hospital gown, so don't worry about the clothes you wear to the hospital. The gown is so you will have completely open rear access for the auxiliary instruments that are required, as well as to allow the passage of any involuntary whoopsies the procedure is known to cause.

Taking The Test

Once you are at the special testing station in the hospital reserved for this procedure, you will be given a gown and asked to change, usually in a small room. Don't worry about the rather large hospital orderly who doesn't leave while you change - he will be accompanying you throughout this procedure. This has become necessary because some misguided souls have been known to try to get up and walk out before they are done, and this really is quite an important test. Your doctor didn't just order it for fun, you know.
     You will lie down on a gurney and your friendly orderly (they don't give out their names) will hang a bag of IV fluid on a pole and attach it to one of your blood vessels. I know the needle looks larger than usual but that's because the liquid used is thicker than most IVs and a good flow is needed. Then they will give you an injection of plutonium, so your entire vascular system will be sufficiently illuminated for the polarized rectoinjectorizer that does most of the really hard work. After they have given you the injection, they strap your arms at the wrist and elbow - and your legs at the ankle and knee - to the table. They also secure you at the waist and hips. Safety first!
     Next the specular radionucleidometer is attached to the base of your skull. It's really quite fascinating to watch all this in the overhead mirrors, because the apparatus is chrome and metallic black. A series of hoses will then be attached to a second IV bag and the end of the large hose will be screwed into a nozzle-like device that is the business end of the rectoinjectorizer. This is placed, well, shall we say, just relax and it won't be too bad.

Now that you are secured to the table, a plastic tube will be inserted into each nostril and threaded down into your stomach. I have not yet been able to find reliable information about just what these tubes are for but liquid definitely passes through each one during the procedure. After the pump has been running for a couple of minutes, the nausea subsides and you can relax a little.
     After the nausea is gone, you will be moved into the room with the permanently mounted scanning equipment. The flat portion of the gurney will be removed and attached to a special table that rotates 360 degrees, so you can be rotated to face the floor, ceiling or whatever position is necessary for the scan. The table is now rotated so you are facing the floor and then, of course, the rectoinjectorizer is polarized. This takes several uncomfortable moments but it will pass (so to speak).
     The scanner is now moved against your upper body and switched on. The whine you hear is just the hypothermal jets warming up. Just relax while the table is moved into the start position. The scan is relatively painless but takes awhile. Several positions are required but don't worry - the table does all the real work and the dizziness passes in a few minutes. After the scan is complete, they check the video for any irregularities (so to speak). If it looks okay, you're finished. If it doesn't, well, you're going to be there awhile.
     Your orderly will escort you to a shower so you can be cleaned up. The whole MUGA procedure really isn't worth mentioning - just another test.

Some Possible Side Effects

You may experience some minor soreness and irritation at various points on your body but hey, you're sick anyway, so I doubt anyone cares about your whining. If you wake up in the middle of the night anytime in the next few weeks, you may notice that you give off a residual glow, slightly greenish, but this will fade in time and can actually be quite a conversation piece at a party. A few less stable people have been known to develop a mild aversion to hospitals after this procedure but it's really not that common.

How To Make It Easier

There is no known way to ease this procedure. Sorry. What really bites is when you realize there is a video of all this floating around somewhere.

In Conclusion

I have to get some fun out of this site somehow, so I took a MUGA description Jack sent me and seriously jazzed it up. This has been a description of the MUGA SCAM! For the MUGA SCAN, click here.   Jon


This page is a joke - do NOT take it seriously.

All information on this site is opinion only. All concepts, explanations, trials, and studies have been re-written in plain English and may contain errors. I am not a doctor. Use the reference information at the end of each article to search MedLine for more complete and accurate information. All original copyrights apply. No information on this page should be used by any person to affect their medical, legal, educational, social, or psychological treatment in any way. I am not a doctor. This web site and all its pages, graphics, and content copyright © 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 Jon C.